What is it with our self-love obsessed culture?

What does love even mean? What does self-love look like?

Is self-love a good thing or does it make us self-centered and contribute to our increasingly narcissistic society?

Like a lot of things (well, probably everything) I believe the answer to these questions lies in proper definitions and context.

Let’s begin with defining love. The Hebrew word for love is אהבה. The root of the word is הב, which means to give.

It reminds me of something I once watched (I can’t find it anymore) where two people went on a search looking for the answer to the question “What is the secret ingredient to a happy, lasting marriage?” After interviewing numerous happily married couples across the country, they realized there was a clear consensus. As one interviewee said, love is a four letter word spelled g-i-v-e. Love is when you are prepared to make room for someone else, to give to another.

In Jewish thought, G-d created the world to bestow His goodness upon another – creation was the ultimate act of giving/ love.

When we plug that definition in, we have “self-giving”. But when we give to ourselves aren’t we essentially taking? And isn’t taking self-centered which, I’m sure most of us will agree, is not something we want to glorify?

Of course, taking is sometimes necessary.

And that’s where context comes in.

Imagine a world where all parents are prepared to be a healthy source of attachment for their children. Imagine a world where we all grow up knowing our needs will be met. A world where we know we can count on our friends to be there for us. A world in which we feel safe and loved. A world where we don’t need to worry about our boundaries because no-one would think of crossing them.

Imagine – all the mental energy and headspace we expend on “self-love”, taking for ourselves, would be freed up and we would be free to give, to overflow with kindness for others.

Sounds idyllic, and completely unrealistic, right?

Right.

But in Judaism, that is a spiritual ideal, however distant such a reality might currently seem.

And all of us, at times, are able to rise into giving, to transcend.

But at the same time, we need to live in our current reality and deal with it as it is.

And our current reality often makes taking necessary. Many times the only option for survival (whether it’s in the arena of emotional health or otherwise) necessitates putting ourselves first.

חייך קודמים – Your life comes first. Another age-old Jewish concept.

(To take it a step further, sometimes practicing self-love is what gives us the strength to continue on and be a giver for others. In that context, it can be characterized as true giving as well.)

I think it’s important for people to know how to take at times; how to put themselves first. And to that end, perhaps the popularization of self-love has helped people heal.

And that’s important.

But the romanticization of self-love has gone too far, in my opinion.

We have taken it entirely out of context and allowed narcissism to run rampant under its guise.

We need to remember that it’s a necessity for functioning, not an ideal. And we need to remember that as we heal, there is more out there.

There is the joy of giving.

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This post was in part inspired by the writings of Rabbi Yehuda Lev Ashlag, the “Baal Hasulam” with commentary by Avarham Mordechai Gottlieb.

Ashlag, Y. (2020). Giving: The Essential Teaching of the Kabbalah. Israel: Urim Publications.

See more on this topic here where I explore an alternative to self-love.