I wrote about our obsession with self-love here.

I tried to parse its meaning and attempted to explore its appropriate role in our lives based on that definition.

I feel that the continued use of the term self-love is confusing and can even corrupt our thinking.

Certainly we need to recognize that in certain situations we need to practice self-love. But why call it self-love? Self-love implies the glorification of a narcissistic mindset.

Let’s limit it to actions, and avoid making it some kind of idealized mindset.

Calling it something like self-care instead implies specific steps we sometimes might need to take. Because yes, sometimes we need to take actions that prioritize our own wellbeing, otherwise we would suffer.

We need to remember, however, that it doesn’t give us a license for a selfish mindset.

***

However, sometimes people use the word self-love when they actually mean something entirely different to the way we defined it in this previous post.

What they actually mean is self-worth.

And a self-worth mindset is a wonderful thing.

Although I am not sure why the “self” is necessary in “self-worth”.

Every human being is worthy. Regardless of achievements, regardless of what you do, you have value – simply by virtue of the fact that you exist.

It’s a slippery slope when we base our worth on external factors. Since those external factors are subject to change, our self concept is left vulnerable to assault, either by others or by our own menacing inner voices.

I don’t know how worthiness regardless of accomplishments would work from a completely secular standpoint. But that’s not the perspective I am coming from. I am approaching this from a spiritual perspective, rooted in Jewish ideas.

When we recognize that we are created in G-d’s image, that our truest selves – our souls – are infused with Divinity, our own value, our worthiness, becomes startlingly clear.

But again, it’s not just about our own value. This perspective by necessity extends to all our fellow humans as well. Because we are all created in G-d’s image.

Have you ever seen people through a soul lens? Truly seen people for their essence? In Judaism there is the concept of גדלות האדם – the greatness of a human being. Every person has a spark of divinity within, waiting to be nourished.

(I found this article on altruistic behavior very interesting. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s hard to explain why people would choose altruism even when acting altruistically is contrary to their own self-interest. But when you frame altruistic behavior in the context of soul evolution, it makes perfect sense 🙂 .)

What does this realization look like in practice?

When someone knows on a deep level that they are worthy, they will treat themselves and others with respect.

It inspires human dignity and responsibility.

A person with a self-worth mindset will make sure they take care of their body, their health and everything else because they believe they are worthy. By the same token, they will find themselves concerned with the well-being of others and accord them the dignity and care they deserve, since they too, are worthy in the very same way.

Someone who truly understands their value will feel a responsibility to use their unique talents and gifts to help move the world forward. And it will come with humility and self-awareness, because they have nothing to lose by acknowledging that something is out of their realm of abilities. And they can acknowledge that just as their inherent value is G-d given, so are their talents.

Sometimes self-love and self-worth can look very much alike. As an onlooker it may be hard to tell the difference. But it is not our responsibility to judge others and determine where they’re at. Our responsibility lies in being honest with ourselves. If you’d like to know where you’re at, just observe how you think of others. do you value them and believe they are worthy? Do you treat others with dignity and respect? If the answer is yes, I would be pretty confident saying you can know you’re coming from a mindset of worthiness.

There can be other ways to tell the difference.

Someone who constantly acts out of self-love will be more likely to indulge in negative or destructive behaviors because it makes them “feel good”.

Someone who acts from a sense of worthiness isn’t chasing temporary “feel-good” moments. In fact, their sense of dignity and self-respect tends to steer them away from such behaviors.

Someone who recognizes their worthiness will practice self-care when necessary, because they know they are worthy of it.

***

The terms we use shape the way we think and behave.

Maybe it’s time to ditch the term “self-love”. and start using the term self-worth. The confusion “self-love” engenders often leads to overindulgence and self-centeredness.

Instead, let’s cultivate a mindset of worthiness, dignity and respect.

For ourselves and others.